Quantcast
Channel: Cheesy, Sleazy, Must-See Movies
Viewing all 152 articles
Browse latest View live
↧

Liebster Award!

March 6, 2013, 6:07 am
$
0
0


YEAH!!! Z-portal was recently nominated for a Liebster Award! What the hell is a Liebster Award exactly? Well, apparently a Liebster Award is kind of an unofficial award given to small time bloggers like myself who have under 200 followers. Just to give them a little more exposure and also encourage bloggers to keep up their hard work. So here are the rules:
  1. Thank the person who nominated you.
  2. Answer their 11 questions.
  3. Nominate 11 other blogs that have under 200 followers.
  4. Ask them 11 questions of your own. 
Well, first off, I have to thank Abdul over at Run and Scream! for nominating me. I do appreciate the honor. Now, I have a few questions from him that I have to answer:

1. What is your favorite horror creature of modern times?

I wouldn't even know where to begin answering this question. I've always liked Vampires but Twilight has all but destroyed any coolness associated with them. I guess it would depend on how you define "modern times". If the cut off was the year 2000, I guess the creatures from Feast? I'm such a Creature Feature fanatic, it would be hard to pick just one. The Mist also had some pretty cool creatures in it, that really big one they seem stomping by is super creepy to me because it makes me feel so small and helpless.

2.Did you ever doze off while watching a horror movie at the cinema/home? If you did, name the movie.

I don't think I've ever dozed off watching a horror movie, but I do remember dozing off at the Tom Cruise remake of War of the Worlds. That's Sci-Fi though, so I'm not sure that really counts. Absentia bored me to tears but surprisingly didn't put me to sleep.

3. What is your idea of a perfect horror movie?
  
Preferably something with a lot of gore and nudity, but still something clever and fun. I don't demand too much from movies. I'm usually pretty happy with a horror movie as long as it was entertaining and kept my attention throughout the movie. (A pretty girl to look at doesn't hurt either!) 

4. If you can change something about yourself, what would it be?
  
I'd like to be buff and totally in shape, if only to outrun zombies when the outbreak begins...

5. If you can contribute something to the community, what would it be?
  
A sense of humor? Everything is so damn serious nowadays, people get offended at the drop of a hat. Everyone gets so uptight about things that shouldn't really matter. People need to loosen up and learn to have a little fun. I can understand that ignorant people will always misinterpret a bad message but that's no reason the rest of us who have a brain can't enjoy our entertainment. Instead of trying to get me to be more politically correct, how about you do more to educate the younger generation? That's like telling me I can't be sarcastic anymore because 3 out of 5 people in the room don't understand sarcasm. Natural selection will eventually weed out the weak-minded, what's there to worry about?

6. Chainsaw or shotgun?

Shotgun. Definitely. As much as I would like both, I already have a bunch of machetes in my closet, so it would be nice to have a projectile weapon. I would blow those friggin' zombies back to hell!!!

7. The most underrated movie in your opinion?

Killer Klowns from Outer Space!!! Everyone wants to trash this Sci-Fi cheese-fest but I thought it was a lot of fun! Sure, the movie is downright silly but you can't deny how imaginative they got. Cotton candy cocoons, flying popcorn pods that sprout Killer Klown piranha plants, and they top it off with Klownzilla at the end?! This movie was a shit load of giggles and I would recommend giving it a fair shake if you've never seen it before. Return of the Killer Tomatoes comes in at a VERY close second.
  
8. Why did you start your blog?
  
I actually started by making custom lists on Netflix, back when Netflix still had a community, so I could easily keep track of movies that I enjoyed. Seemed like other people really enjoyed those lists too, so I kept on working on them because Netflix's recommendation system wasn't so great at the time. One day I hop on Netflix to find they had removed their community and all my lists were gone!!! I was really disappointed after having spent countless hours organizing those lists, so I decided to branch off and start my own blog instead. This way, I could still recommend and organize movies without having to worry that everything I've worked on will disappear one day.

9. Have you ever disapprove a comment?

Nope, trash talking is so common on the Internet, it's almost unavoidable. If someone disagrees with what I'm saying, it's their right to. I don't mind at all if people have an opinion that differs from mine. At the end of the day, I write because I enjoy it and I'm sure there are people out there who enjoy the movies and topics I discuss. I could care less if a hater wants to use up their time commenting on my blog and checking back for responses while driving my traffic up! The only bad press is NO press because as they say, there's no such thing as bad publicity. I have deleted comments that were obviously just spam though.
  
10. List 5 things you never leave home without.
  1. Sony Xperia Play
  2. Cell phone
  3. Knife
  4. Keys
  5. Wallet
11. The best car make and model you ever bought?

 Never owned a car! I'm from the city, where you can take public transportation wherever you needed to go.

======================================

With those questions answered, I get to nominate 11 other bloggers for their Liebster Award. I thought all the images used for the award were too boring, so I made my own!!! (Yes, I suck at Photoshop so I just used Paint to make the crappy award at the top of the page) But here are my 11 nominees for their Liebster Award:
  1. Forced Viewing - http://forcedviewing.com/
  2. Golden Vision Optometry - http://goldenvisionoptometry.blogspot.com/
  3. 2,500 Movies Challenge - http://www.dvdinfatuation.com/
  4. Hey! Look Behind You! - http://www.heylookbehindyou.com/
  5. Cool Target: Action Movie Reviews - http://cooltarget.blogspot.com/
  6. Cine-Apocalypse - http://www.cine-apocalypse.com/
  7. Kung Fu Fridays - http://kungfufridays.blogspot.com/
  8. achillesgirl in action land - http://achillesgirl.blogspot.com/
  9. Improvised Cooking - http://muffindoctor.blogspot.com/
  10. Stalk n Slash - http://stalknslash.blogspot.com/
  11. 80's Horror Movies - http://80shorrormovies.blogspot.com/
And here are your 11 questions:

1. What's your favorite film genre? (You can narrow it down to a sub-genre if you'd like)

2. How did you get your start in blogging?

3. What is your goal, if any, with your blog?

4. Outside of blogging, what are some of your other hobbies?

5. What was the biggest event, TV show, book, or any major influence on your childhood that shaped you into the person you are today?

6. If meeting you for the first time, what would be the proudest quality about yourself that you would like any other person to know?

7. If you could be stranded on a deserted island with one celebrity of your choice, who would it be and why?

8. If you suddenly became a billionnaire tomorrow, what kind of company would you own or what would you be known for doing? (After you buy the new house, cars, and had your fun shopping of course)

9. If you could only eat one type of cuisine for the rest of your life, what would that be?

10. What is your biggest fear in life?

11. Finally, dig down deep for this one, what is the most embarrassing thing you've ever had happen that you would NEVER have posted on your blog... if you weren't answering these questions??

I would also like to encourage any of the 11 bloggers I chose (with Photoshop experience) to create their own image for the Liebster Award because there is a serious lack of awesome images for it. Hope you guys all have fun with this!!!
↧
Search

Grave Encounters 2 (2012)

April 1, 2013, 11:35 pm
$
0
0


Grave Encounters 2 (Canada/USA, 2012) - Color, Director(s): John Poliquin
MPAA Rating: Not Rated
Approx. 95 min.

Z-rating: 2 out of 5 stars for only being mildly entertaining

Cheese Factor: 4 out of 5 stars for trying to pass the first movie off as "real"

I reviewed the first film as part of "Found Footage Week" that I dedicated the first week of Halloween to last year. I was really surprised by the film because I hadn't heard much about it before I found it during my research and was about ready to write it off as rubbish. As it turns out, aside from a few CGI effects that were thrown in and really sticks out like a sore thumb, the movie was actually decent. They built up just enough back story to give them a good reason to be there. They had a fantastic cast that played their parts really well. Even though I didn't believe that everything I was seeing was really happening, it served as a great haunted house type of movie. So of course, I was ecstatic to hear that they were coming out with a sequel. I never got around to watching it until recently....


This movie fails where the first one succeeded. Instead of a charismatic character in front of the camera, this time we've got an emo Edward Cullen-lookin' motherfucker that spends most of his time sulking in front of it. He starts off as a vlogger who just finishes rating the first Grave Encounters but is also trying to film a movie with his friends. Someone contacts him on Youtube and gives him a mysterious hint that the movie might've been real. From there, Edward starts obsessing over the movie, trying to prove to everyone that it's real. (I know his name is Alex but I'm going to call him Edward)


So Edward convinces the rest of his friends to go on a crazy trip with him to the location where the first movie was filmed. After watching the movie multiple times at home and in the hotel room, they all set off to go prove the place is really haunted. Guess what happens? They get trapped in the house just like the first crew and they're killed off one by one. What gets me is where everyone starts flippin' out and asking "What's happening?? What's going on?!" when everything starts going ape shit on them. Like they didn't just finish watching the movie about a dozen times and was expecting something like this to happen.

"In the jungle, you must wait 'til the dice read five or eight."

In an attempt to tie-in to the first movie, they bring back the original main character, who apparently isn't dead and has just been living on a steady diet of sewer rats for about 9 years. The guy acts kinda like Robin William's character in Jumanji, when he comes back to the real world after living in the game for a few years and now has the knowledge needed to explain how everything works. This guy even made a map tracking the patterns of how the rooms change!

Okay. Looks like it's safe to go inside...

I think what breaks it for me is Richard Harmon (Edward). He just looks like some MTV reality star and I don't find him particularly believable in his role. Now, in all fairness, I don't know if it was his acting or the writing but I didn't care for him before they got into the house. I understand that he was supposed to be obsessing over this movie so much that it was tearing his personal life apart, but as we saw from the beginning, Edward was more into masturbating in his room than he was hooking up with this girl at a party. He stumbles onto a couple facts randomly and suddenly he's ready to throw everything he's got into figuring out what happened to the first Grave Encounters crew. They tried to throw a "twist" ending in but I saw it coming a mile away. This sequel was uninspired and did little to further the first film. This one had a lot of momentum going for it from the first film but falls totally flat.

Funny that they reference [REC] earlier, this scene looks really familiar.

Nudity: One thing that might've scored a few extra points for the film but nope. This movie fails in the T&A department as well.

Gore:Not much gore here. A lot of the bloody scenes are actually flashbacks to the first film. I can't remember anything particular bloody or gory about this one.

"Ghost Hunting" gear, guess they should've brought a Proton Pack!

Awesome: Not. At all. This movie had the stage perfectly set up for it. I liked that they tried to make the beginning more interesting as that's usually the most boring part of any "found footage" film but that wasn't enough to save it. I also liked that they tried to do whatever they could to make the first one seem real. I just feel like you either buy into it or you don't. Those of us that don't buy into it, are immediately drawn out of the movie and end up laughing at it more than screaming. This actually had me laughing more times than it had me saying "Oh shit!" when anything happened. The scene where the weird creature thing grabs the guy through the window made me laugh out loud when he screamed like a bitch. Any mood that the original set was completely destroyed with this movie. I was actually MORE interested in seeing the movie the characters were filming than this pseudo-documentary. This one fails to create any atmosphere of its own and ends up making a laughing stock out of the movie and this "franchise". I doubt there will be a Grave Encounters 3, but if it comes out, you know I'll be watching it!

↧
↧

Bizarre Animation

April 2, 2013, 10:00 am
$
0
0


Anyone who knows me, knows that I'm a fan of bizarre animation. I even wrote a post titled Twisted Toons and Awesome Animation back when I first started this blog. I grew up adoring the strange and unusual animation of shows like Beavis and Butthead and MTV's Liquid Television. They seemed like the next logical step after watching Nickelodeon's Ren and Stimpy. Unfortunately, I don't get to enjoy sick and twisted animation as much because I hang around my little niece and nephew a lot more nowadays.

First off, I have a short here by a Canadian independent animator by the name of Nick Cross. This guy worked on the "adult" revival of Ren and Stimpy as well as other projects for Nickelodeon, Cartoon Network, etc.


He also has a blog on here at http://www.nickcrossanimation.com/ - Check him out!

Next up, we've got Felix Colgrave from the Newgrounds community. He won an award about a year ago for Movie of the Year from Newgrounds.


He's got a personal site http://aardvarkbutter.com/

But as I mentioned before, you can also find him on Newgrounds: http://masteraardvark.newgrounds.com/
↧

Evil Dead (2013)

April 8, 2013, 12:49 am
$
0
0


Evil Dead (USA, 2013) - Color, Director(s): Fede Alvarez
MPAA Rating: R
[UK: 18]
Approx. 91 min.

Z-rating: 4 out of 5 stars for a genuinely entertaining remake

Cheese Factor: 1 out of 5 stars because the film was serious in tone

The most anticipated remake in the horror community opened to the delight of its blood-thirsty fans. The original is one of the most famous cult films of all time and fans of the original will no doubt be tempted to pick this movie apart. This is supposed to be a re-imagining of the story rather than a shot-for-shot remake.


We follow a group of five friends who have gathered to help their friend Mia kick her drug habit. There's Olivia, who's a registered nurse, and Eric, who teaches high school. Mia's estranged brother, David, is also here to support her and he brought along a girl named Natalie. The nurse is running the show because of her medical knowledge but when they find the book, it's the high school teacher who's curious enough to decipher and read the text out loud. That unleashes the Evil but when Mia starts seeing things, everyone assumes it's just crazy withdrawal talk. They don't realize until it's too late that there's something very real stalking them in the woods and it's going to kill them one by one.

Yes, this is the D-bag that reads the book

This movie is great for a newcomer who is looking for a brutally violent scary movie or for long time Evil Dead fans. I think many will agree that this is a worthy update to a classic while still adding enough to the story to progress the franchise. Let's talk about a couple things that people are going to complain about right off the bat:

The Book - Goes by the name Naturon Demonto just like it did in the original movie but they didn't get the rights for the image so there's no face on this book. Still bound in flesh and looks pretty bad ass, just no face. Might be a big deal to some people but just looked like Leatherface's diary to me.

No Ash - Sorry, he's just not in this movie.

That's really all there is to complain about this movie. Also, if you stay until after the credits, some of that is satisfied for you anyway! I liked how good a lot of the practical effects looked but you could tell there was still some computer effects used to "touch up" certain scenes. Overall, if you're going to nitpick, I'm sure you could find things to complain about. The movie was definitely fun in its own way and I hope to see more like it. Disgusting practical effects, creepy atmosphere, dark tone with a sense of humor. What's not to like?


Nudity: Not much in the T&A department.


Gore: TONS! They don't get too creative with the kills like Laid to Rest and Laid to Rest 2 does, but they definitely went for quantity in bloodshed. With a few gruesome close ups thrown in to make you cringe in your seats.

Awesome: Very. Always nice to see a remake handled well. Despite the amount of blood that was splashed around towards the end, this movie never lost its serious tone. I really enjoyed it and I hope there are many more like it. After hearing about how the entire movie will be done with practical effects and zero CGI hype, I was mildly disappointed to see some on screen but I'm not going to complain. All of it looked fantastic, so that's just a minor complaint from me. I also won't build this movie up too much or it might not live up to the hype. I don't think it was THE best horror movie I've ever seen but I definitely think this was worth my ticket price. For the die hard fans, don't forget to stay until after the credits!!!

↧

Top 5 Stoner Films for 420!!!

April 20, 2013, 4:20 am
$
0
0


Stoners rejoice!!! Tis 4/20 again and we would like to pay tribute to all our fellow potheads here at the Z-portal. As much as we enjoy mindless entertainment, we enjoy process of becoming mindless just the same!! All lovers of Mary Jane should already be familiar with names like Cheech and Chong, the comedy duo that pioneered the stoner comedy subgenre and have since become practically synonymous with pot smoking itself. I could make a list that consisted of just their films and could even dedicate an entire post to Cheech & Chong themselves. The same goes for another comedy duo by the names of Jay and Silent Bob, two characters penned by Kevin Smith. They appear in enough movies to be in a list of their own as well, so I'm leaving all of them off, along with most pot documentaries. For the sake of some fresh picks this year, we're going for the most entertaining films that haven't been brought up in every pot conversation since the 70's. So grab a bottle Visine, roll up a fattie, and enjoy this mind-numbing Top 5 list of Z-portal's favorite Stoner films:


5.Ted (2012) - A total stoner bromance, this movie is about a guy who likes to skip work and stay home to get baked with his teddy bear. At face value, this might come off as just a silly comedy about a talking teddy bear but the plot is more about two childhood friends that grew up together. Now their friendship is being tested as they make room for new responsibilities in life. Sure, it's not a straight up stoner movie but there's plenty of gags to keep you laughing if you're stoned. Not to mention it's written and directed by Seth MacFarlane, which means there's no shortage of 80's pop culture references. Definitely recommended for fans of Flash Gordon. After smoking a heavy indica, this is a good movie to sit back and enjoy a bit of couch lock with. Bong or a pipe would be good with this one.


4.Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004) - Yes, I'm sure this movie turns up on many lists of best stoner films but there's a reason for that. This perfectly follows the formula for a stoner film in my opinion. Two guys get baked and get the munchies. They have a craving for White Castle, so they set out on a mission to find some White Castle. Along the way is where they run into the adventure. Isn't that how EVERY pot story goes? You get stoned, get the munchies, and you make the mistake of leaving the house when something crazy happens to you. We've all been there. So hopefully you were smart and pre-purchased your grub this year. Go ahead and tear into your bag of Cheetos or Doritos because the munchies definitely should've set in by now. If you were really prepared, you would've picked up some burgers.


3. Your Highness (2011) - Alright, this one is a personal favorite of mine. I am a HUGE fan of the sword and sorcery genre, which could explain why I'm partial to this one. While not a full-on Scary Movie-style parody, this movie satirizes elements from sword and sorcery films while blending in stoner humor. An example is the old English that they speak in to sound more refined but every other word will be "fuck" or some variation of it. Even though it got buried by critics while it was playing in theaters, this rates very high on my list. One of my absolute favorites, I would say this is a good one to chuckle over with a group of friends after you're all high. After all the munchies, it might be time for a little recharge on that buzz you had goin'. For this movie though, you gotta smoke up with a bit of class. Break out the Hookah if ya got one! If not, your best pipe will do.


2.Half Baked (1998) - Dave Chappelle's tribute to the stoner culture, Half Baked is a classic for potheads. I hear this movie quoted and referenced more often than I care to remember. This movie also happens to be about a stoner who goes out for munchies and get caught up in a bunch of trouble. Only this guy lands himself in jail. Now his other 3 buddies must start selling pot to bail him out. There was no lack of star power behind this movie with cameos from Snoop Dogg, Bob Saget, and a ton of other famous faces. Also, who can forget the smoking session they have with "Billy Bong Thornton". Grab your favorite bong, fill it with ice, and gather your friends around... it's time to get BAKED!!!


1.Grandma's Boy (2006) - Finally, my pick for personal favorite stoner film goes to Grandma's Boy!!! This is easily one of the most quotable movies and it combines two of the best hobbies in the world: Getting high and playing Video Games!!! This video game tester gets kicked out of his apartment and has to move in with his grandmother and her roommates. Between helping around the house with chores and testing video games at work, he smokes a little pot to unwind. Since getting stoned and playing video games are a couple of my favorite hobbies, I can definitely relate to this movie on that level. With some seriously laugh out loud hilarious scenes and infinitely quotable dialogue, this is a stoner movie that ALL stoners should see. Load up the last of your herb into the bong and get ready to switch the Xbox or PS3 after this movie. You're going to want to play some fighting games with your buddies.


And that, was Z-portal's Top 5 picks for favorite stoner films. Like I said, I left off a lot of movies from this list and the top 3 movies honestly probably could've been in any order. I know a lot of stoners will be bummed for not seeing Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back or Cheech and Chong's Up in Smoke. Those are milestoner movies, they'll always get the love they deserve. So will Dazed and Confused, Fast Times at Ridgemont High, and Reefer Madness. The only movie that I do feel bad leaving off was Pineapple Express but I figured that would definitely come up in a search for stoner comedies. Perhaps one year, Z-portal can do a Top 420 list and include ALL these movies.


Marijuana use in Movies

Pot smoking is becoming more accepted in movies, from Craig T. Nelson rolling a joint in Poltergeist to Marlon Wayans being rolled INTO a joint in Scary Movie 2. As the public becomes more accepting of the medicinal uses of marijuana, we'll see it in more and more casual appearances. Sure, you'll have a movie like Evil Bong every once in awhile, where the entire movie revolves around pot and getting stoned. However, we're seeing more instances where weed isn't central to the story and it's just being casually smoked.


Idle Hands (1999) - Stoner/Horror/Comedy is I would best classify this movie. The central plot is about a kid whose hand becomes possessed and starts killing people. The kid is completely oblivious to all this and goes to get high with his buddies. I will admit that he has an awesome inhaler/pipe hanging from his neck that he smokes weed out of. I thought of converting my old inhalers into pipes but I wouldn't imagine the burning plastic tasting too good.


Leprechaun in the Hood (2000) - The fifth installment to the Leprechaun franchise sees our favorite homicidal Irish folklore go to the hood!!! There, he runs into Ice-T and smokes a joint with him. That's when our buddy Lep drops this little jingle on Ice-T:

"A friend with weed is a friend indeed, but a friend with gold is the best I'm told."

A friend indeed. What other shenanigans can you expect when there's a leprechaun in DA HOOD!!!


Leprechaun: Back 2 tha Hood (2003) - Not only does he go TO the hood, this leprechaun actually goes BACK as well. So this time, he's in a different hood with a different group of people. This group is just trying to hustle for money when they happen upon the leprechaun's gold. One of them is trying to sell drugs (marijuana) to get out of the hood. Another one of them is just a total stoner who trades in his share of the gold for a potato sack full of grass. The biggest twist comes when they need clovers to defeat the leprechaun and the pothead says he's been finding clovers in his weed.


Freddy vs. Jason (2003) - One of the first and one of the best crossover movies, this throwdown was EPIC for horror movie fans. Two slasher icons going head-to-head against each other. Everyone had their bets down for their favorite to win. Aside from a couple of stoners at the party they were having at the field, the scene that stands out most to me is when Freddy Krueger turns into that weird worm thing and blows smoke into the face of that Jay-wannabe pothead character. What happened to Silent Bob? Maybe he got killed back in the field by Jason.


The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003) - On their way to Lynard Skynard concert, five youths pick up a mysterious hitchhiker that proceeds to blow her brains out inside of their van. Gravy! And so, begins the nightmare they are about to endure. So where were these kids coming from? Apparently, they just got back from Mexico with pinata full of marijuana. As if smoking pot wasn't a good enough reason to get you killed in a horror movie, this kids were trying to smuggle it!!! Guess who's not going to make it home at the end of this movie?


Friday the 13th (2009) - In the recent Friday the 13th reboot, a group of kids actually go LOOKING for Camp Crystal Lake. Are they the Scooby Doo gang trying to unravel the mystery of murders here? No, they're actually just a group of kids looking for the marijuana that supposed grows wild here. One of them actually stumbles onto the area where it's growing, only to get picked off by Jason himself. Ah, kids. What won't they do to get high?


Zombieland (2009) - Even after the zombie apocalypse, the stoners will roam the Earth. When our heroes make it to Bill Murray's house and are asked what he can get for them, we see that they want a big bowl of that sticky green bud. Of all the Earthly pleasures they could've asked for. This was just a quick scene but at least they do it big... out of a hookah! Ready the munchies cause after you watch this movie, you'll have a craving for Twinkies.


The Cabin in the Woods (2011) - Then more recently, we had a fantastic horror geek's wet dream in The Cabin in the Woods. A group of kids are headed up to an old cabin in the woods for vacation meanwhile, it seems as if their doom is being engineered. Sort of like a twisted version of the Truman Show, a group of scientists are trying to ensure that an ancient sacrificial ritual is carried out properly. The biggest wrench in their plans? A totally baked yet paranoid stoner that seems to think he's being watched. Problem is, he's absolutely right. This is one of those rare occasions where the pothead becomes the hero despite this not being a stoner film. Yeah!!! Maybe us potheads are finally getting a little respect around here. Not to mention he has that totally bad ass collapsible bong that turns into a coffee mug. This guy was totally awesome.


I hope everyone had a fun time reading this. I would like to wish everyone a Happy 420!!! Stay high, stay safe, and enjoy yourselves. I know there were tons of movies that didn't make the list, so go ahead and list your own personal Top 5 Stoner flicks in comments section. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to smoke a bowl myself. Cheers!
↧
↧

Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky (1991)

April 24, 2013, 12:56 am
$
0
0


Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky (Hong Kong/Japan, 1991) - Color, Director(s): Lam Nai-Choi
MPAA Rating: R
[UK: 18]
[HK: Cat III]
Approx. 91 min.

Z-rating: 5 out of 5 stars for a most entertaining and violent movie

Cheese Factor: 4 out of 5 stars; this movie's a little heavy on the cheese

This extremely campy cult favorite is one of the most wildly entertaining movies I've ever seen. Known for it's excessive and over-the-top violence, a couple scenes have been circulating on the internet for many years now. While many people seem unable to recognize the movie by its title, almost everyone I've shown this movie to can recognize at least one or two scenes from it. For such a popular viral video, the movie that it's from is virtually unknown to the public. I find this unacceptable!!! That's like everyone quoting from the same book except no one knows the author or title of the book.... which I'm sure happens way too often as well. Anyway, I hope you brought a poncho!


In the future, all prison systems have been privatized. In the distant year of 2001, a man is sent to prison. Not just any man, Ricky is apparently the baddest motherfucker that ever lived... but we'll get back to him in a moment. We see a prison transport unload a group of new inmates to what has to be the roughest prison in the world, ruled over by the Gang of Four. A prison where captains pick on old men and if you question them about a towel, you get your face cut open with a razor!


Ricky's troubles begin when he trips the captain that falls face first into a board with nails that happened to be laying on the ground.... for absolutely no apparent reason.


 In retaliation for blinding him in one eye, the captain hires an overweight assassin that is known for being extremely dangerous and violent. This drooling lard ass comes looking for Ricky after he's released from solitary confinement and finds him in the showers. He attempts to start a fight but Ricky punches him SO hard that he puts an arm through his gut, causing all of his intestines to come spilling out. When the captain tries to rush Ricky with a stabbing object, Ricky just catches it with his bare hand and crushes the captain's fingers. He punches a hole through the captain.


Ricky is pulled away by the guards and thrown into his cell where he begins meditating. We see a flashback sequence that explains why he's so powerful. Ricky already possessed superhuman strength since he was young, for no reason that's ever explained. (Although his name in Chinese means that he is #1 in terms of strength) In addition to this, his uncle taught him Qigong which turned him into an invincible superhuman warrior. Able to withstand any attack along with the ability to easily destroy solid objects.


The next day, he's taken to see the Assistant Warden who turns out to be a corrupt one-eyed bastard with a hook hand (who also seems to have an extensive porno collection). The Asst. Warden can't seem to figure Ricky out. Was he a trained killer? Or secret agent? While questioning Ricky and pushing his buttons, he makes a comment about his girlfriend that sends Ricky over the edge. In dramatic fashion, Ricky breaks the Asst. Warden's desk and throws a shadow punch at his face. The Asst. Warden's nose start bleeding though as he realizes that Ricky's attacks can hurt you without touching you.


Ricky continues to be a thorn in the side of the Asst. Warden and begins meddling in the Gang of Four's business. Things get out of hand when Ricky finds out that the Gang of Four has been growing opium. Ricky burns it all down and draws the wrath of the Gang of Four. Now with the Asst. Warden and the Gang of Four after Ricky, it seems as though his problems can't get any worse. That is, until the Warden himself returns...

Nudity: None. Unless you count male asses for all the ladies out there.


Gore: TONS! The violence and gore in this movie is so over-the-top that you can't help but laugh at how absurd it is. During the fight between Ricky and the North Cell's leader, the North Cell leader tries to commit suicide seppuku-style but tries to strangle Ricky with his intestines when Ricky tries to stop him. I'm sure everyone's seen at least one or two gory clips from this movie, floating around on the internet somewhere. 


Awesome: to the MAX!!! Sure the special effects are totally cheesy and, if you're watching the English dubbed version, the dubs are terrible. That's what makes this movie so much fun! Everything is so ridiculous and over-the-top, you just can't help but laugh. This campy blood-drenched gorefest was brought to us by none other than Golden Harvest Productions. These guys are known for bringing us the best of Hong Kong action movies and this one was no exception. They really don't make movies like this anymore. This one was just pure entertainment from beginning to end. I cannot recommend this one enough! Buy a case of beer, order a pizza, and invite your friends over for movie night. This will be fun.

↧

Curse of Chucky (2013)

October 8, 2013, 10:00 am
$
0
0


Curse of Chucky (USA, 2013) - Color, Director(s): Don Mancini
MPAA Rating: R
[UK: 18]
Approx. 97 min.

Z-rating: 3 stars out of 5

Cheese Factor: 2 stars out of 5

"Sorry Jack... Chucky's Back!" was the tagline for Child's Play 2. Today, he's back (again) as the sixth film in the franchise hits the shelves on DVD and Blu-ray. This film was very much a return to roots for the series and Chucky even gets a fresh face for this one.


To be honest, I stayed away from trailers and reviews so I could go into this movie with no preconceptions of the film. I assumed it was a reboot of the franchise going into the film but then realized that it was a sequel. Still, at one point, it seemed like it might've even gone between Child's Play 3 and Bride of Chucky. Turns out, this just follows chronological order and is a sequel to Seed of Chucky. Don Mancini, who wrote the original screenplay and has written all the films in the franchise, directs this and the previous sequel.


At first, Chucky's face looked absolutely ridiculous to me. I couldn't believe they thought he was going to scare anyone looking like this. I don't mean that goofy idle face, I mean how he looks "evil" when he's talking as Charles Lee Ray. This is his face in the new one:


I'm not sure if I was supposed to piss my pants from fear or from laughing too hard. I'm pretty sure he's supposed to look insane and not like a little girl who cabbage-farted in your face when you were sleeping but won't tell you what that horrible smell is when you wake up. Check out his face from the original 1988 movie:


Now, that's what a psychotic doll should look like! They fix this an hour into the movie and even flesh out the backstory on Charles Lee Ray a bit. A new family gets the Chucky doll in the mail, the connection with this family is explained later in a flashback that connects to the first film. I love when a movie can tie in the storyline from previous films into the current plot. Brad Dourif returns as the voice/face of Chucky.

Nudity: None. The Child's Play franchise isn't really known for nudity. Although we do get a hottie nanny who strips down to bra and panties for a sexy webcam chat with her employer!


Gore: Decent. The kills can be gruesome at times but there's only so much a murderous doll can do. Most people aren't going to be ripped in half by a doll the size of an 7 year-old. This franchise isn't known for being splatterfests, but they're still slashers.


Awesome: Pretty awesome, especially for followers of the franchise. I don't think this one was as fun as Bride of Chucky but is still a great addition to the franchise. This is one of the more serious entries we've seen in the series since the original Child's Play movies. This really was a return to roots for the franchise, stick around after the credits for a scene that really brings the story full circle.



↧

Texas Chainsaw (2013)

October 9, 2013, 6:30 am
$
0
0


Texas Chainsaw 3D (USA, 2013) - Color, Director(s): John Luessenhop
MPAA Rating: R
[UK: 18]
Approx. 92 min.

Z-rating: 2 stars out of 5

Cheese Factor: 2 stars out of 5


What's Halloween without some Texas Chainsaw Massacre? Well, it would still be Halloween but TCM is one of those classic franchises that everyone watches during this season. This 3D cash-in came out earlier this year and I've been meaning to review it but never caught it on the big screen. So, I'm really here to review the 2D version of this movie.


Right from the start, this movie had me completely interested. They pick up right where the original 1974 TCM left off. After the girl gets away, the police come to take Leatherface away but some vigilante mob shows up and starts a gunfight. The Texas Chainsaw family (given the surname "Sawyer" in this movie) gets mowed down in a hail of gunfire and the house is lit on fire with molotov cocktails. The only ones to escape are a little baby and, apparently, Leatherface. Flash forward to the present, a young teen girl finds out that her aunt just died and is leaving her a house. A group of friends accompany her to check out the new estate but it's only after they arrive that they realize the aunt has been hiding a secret in the house all these years...

Haha, Saw reference! Get it?! Texas ChainSAW!

The beginning of the movie had me totally interested. Continuing directly from the original film (and ignoring that completely ridiculous but wicked awesome chainsaw battle that Dennis Hopper has with Leatherface on top of a dinner table in the second movie) was an interesting direction to take this series. Too bad the rest of the movie is a lot less interesting, breaking down into the same old tired and uninspired formula. They could've done so much more with the story, maybe explored the crazy family in-depth. What a wasted opportunity. None of the friends she brings along even matter because they're all there to be murdered by Leatherface. The main girl takes the entire movie to figure out that she's related to Leatherface, which the audience probably could've guessed in the first 10 minutes. There's no reason to care about any of these people, so it's difficult to give a rat's ass when they die.


Nudity: I wish I could recommend this movie for it's T&A at least, but I don't remember seeing any nudity in this film at all. The clothes are practically falling off the main girl like they're just waiting for a chance to escape. This movie is really stingy with the nude scenes, even though they tease it like hell.


Gore: Being a Texas Chainsaw Massacre movie, they really went light on the "Massacre" too because only a handful of people die in this movie. I also find the lack of chainsaw kills disturbing. As for the special effects, there are a couple scenes with decent gore in it but the scene at the end is almost unforgivable. A man slowly slides into a giant meat grinder and they used CGI for the effect, it looks fucking terrible.

Hurry, Instagram that shit!

Awesome: Not very. The story didn't really add anything to franchise or bring anything really new to the table. The ending made absolutely NO sense whatsoever. After the credits though, there's a sweet little secret ending that's pretty cool. Nothing significant, just funny. Honestly, I would just recommend skipping this movie altogether and re-watching the 2003 remake with Jessica Biel instead. That's a much more competent movie and it gives you that sick feeling like you really walked into that Texas house of horror.



↧
Search

Dream Home (2010)

October 10, 2013, 10:00 am
$
0
0


Dream Home (Hong Kong, 2010) - Color, Director(s): Ho-Cheung Pang
MPAA Rating: NR
[HK: CAT III]
Approx. 96 min.

Z-rating: 4 stars out of 5

Cheese Factor: 2 stars out of 5


Wow, this was a really surprising movie. The story is basically about a woman (Josie Ho) who's been dreaming of owning a flat in the building across from where she lives. She has been saving for her "dream home" and has been in negotiations for a long time. When it seems like she won't be able to purchase the flat that she wants, she's literally willing to kill for it. This is not your typical slasher though, so wait for it to play out.


The movie starts with her killing off a security guard. Although things do get a little bloody, she finishes him with very little effort which makes her look like a professional. Even with her second kill, she barges in through a door and kills a maid with assassin-like precision. As things progress, her kills get a little more sloppy and you realize that she's not really very good at killing people. This isn't a slasher the likes of Jason Voorhees or other unstoppable killing machines. She is just an average woman who just decides that she will do anything it takes to own her dream home. She isn't prepared for certain situations and often has to improvise on the spot. This leads to some of the most brutal killings like someone getting stabbed with broken glass bong or another person being suffocated by those vacuum seal bags. Towards the end, some crazy things happen by pure chance that lead to her escape but aren't very realistic. Anyone who watches CSI would know why she wouldn't get away with it. Regardless, this is one of the more surprisingly brutal slashers that I've seen, only because she's so unassuming as a killer.


Nudity: When she gets to the room with the stoner guys, they just picked up a couple of prostitutes. One of the guys takes a girl into the other room to have sex while a third guy shows up and cops a feel on the one that's passed out on the couch.


Gore: AWESOME! As creative as American and European slasher movies are with their kills, this HK slasher holds its own when it comes to brutality. One guy gets stabbed in the back multiple times before getting his pecker severed. Pretty messed up and graphic, so don't show this at a kid's party!


Awesome: to the MAX! These HK Category III films are some good stuff! I've always been a fan of The Untold Story and Ebola Syndrome, most other Chinese movies are Horror/Comedy with an emphasis on the Comedy. I did like the Cantonese slang the guys in the room were throwing around. This movie alternates between flashbacks and kill scenes to give you the backstory. Moral of the story? Don't piss women off! 



↧
↧

I Spit on Your Grave 2 (2013)

October 11, 2013, 10:00 am
$
0
0


I Spit on Your Grave 2 (USA, 2013) - Color, Director(s): Steven R. Monroe
MPAA Rating: R
[UK: PG]
Approx. 106 min.

Z-rating: 3.5 stars out of 5

Cheese Factor: 2 stars out of 5 for the Christian Bale impression


Here, we have a sequel to the remake of a 1970's rape-and-revenge exploitation film. I think it's hilarious when you read reviews, within the horror community, bashing this movie for being nothing but shock and violence. That's probably the same review given to the original when that first came out and now people want to treat that like it was high art while this "unnecessary" sequel was just an soulless cash grab. Don't get me wrong, I don't think that this movie is high art by any means. I just think it was pretty much what I expected it to be, no surprise or disappointment. I'm surprised they even tried to remake it the first time! Much less make a sequel for that remake of what was originally an exploitation flick anyway.


By this point I was expecting them to just follow the same formula, which turns out to be exactly what they do! A beautiful woman is taken advantage of when she's alone, she's raped and left for dead, but somehow manages to survive so she may exact her revenge another day. This sequel follows the same formula for any rape-and-revenge film, while at least attempting to have some subtext. We have the ridiculously BEAUTIFUL Jemma Dallender playing Katie, an aspiring model living in New York. She had the rotten luck of meeting a group of European sleazeballs posing as discount photographers. They got her address, so one of them forces their way into her apartment and rapes her. The twist here is that they drug her and take her to Bulgaria, where she's chained up in a basement and tortured. She's beaten, electrocuted, drugged, and even gets pimped out to some fat sadistic slob. Rape-and-revenge fantasies aside, the depiction of the real-world horrors of human trafficking (of course, nowhere near as depressing as say, Lilya 4-Ever) does at least put a spotlight on the issue.

This looks like a scene from Saw

After that is where the little bit of credibility this film has built up, gets thrown right out the window as Katie miraculously escapes death purely by coincidence and slowly begins to channel her inner-Christian Bale to become some sort of female revenge-seeking Dark Knight. In a completely foreign country (where she doesn't know the layout or speak the language), she transforms into a mega bad ass, ball-busting, man-hating, vengeance-fueled Terminatrix. Stalking the night and dropping one-liners as she drowns a guy in a feces-filled nightclub toilet, complete with raspy Batman voice!

That moment when you realize you done FUCKED up...

Nudity: I think it's safe to assume there would be a ton of nudity in this movie. What I wasn't prepared for was how unbelievably gorgeous Jemma Dallender is. I'm not condoning rape nor do I believe in the sexualization of rape. In a rape and revenge film though, part of wanting to see this woman exact horrible and painful revenge on the men is first seeing how the men violate her in a way that pushes her past her limits. Just a bonus that she happens to be smoking hot!


Gore: I'm sure no matter what merits this film has, nothing will keep the general public from labeling it "torture porn", and why not? Like I said, this film isn't high art or anything really worth debating. This film delivers exactly on what it promises, rape and revenge. She gets pushed across a line that entitles her to gloriously violent, bloody revenge. Not to mention how satisfying it is to see the tables turned on "Mr. Soon-To-Be-Living-The-Rest-of-His-Short-Ass-Life-In-Agonizing-Pain Rapist" here.

"He got a real purdy mouth ain't he?"

Awesome: Pretty awesome. I've seen much worse films get more praise than this movie does. I don't feel like I need to argue in favor of this movie or prove a point to anyone. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions but I enjoyed this movie for what it was. I like movies where women rise up and overcome... then open a nice big can of whoop ass! Movies like this are also the reason why I try never to piss women off. Ever. Looking for a brutal, violent, bloody revenge movie to play at your Halloween party? Check this one out. Films with high shock value are best enjoyed in a group anyway.



↧

Maniac (2012)

October 12, 2013, 10:00 am
$
0
0


Maniac (France/USA, 2012) - Color, Director(s): Franck Khalfoun
MPAA Rating: NR
[UK: 18]
Approx. 89 min.

Z-rating: 4.5 stars out of 5

Cheese Factor: 0 stars out of 5


Maniac is remake of a 1980 slasher by the same name, about a guy who could pass for Ron Jeremy's stunt double murdering women and nailing their scalps onto mannequins. What made the film really creepy and effective was the fact that you heard the actor's (Joe Spinell) voice talking whenever he was alone in his room. Almost like you can hear what's going through his head as he brushes and strokes his lifeless mannequins. You get the feeling that you're right there with him during his descent into madness. Coupled with special effects by Tom Savini, the original is one of the most underrated slashers of all time! So you can imagine how excited I was to hear that they were actually going to remake this awesome movie... with Elijah Wood?


Everyone's seen him in Lord of the Rings and I really liked him in Green Street Hooligans, but how was he going to fair as a serial killer? He did play a hooker-slaying cannibal in Sin City, so I guess that should've tipped me off but I wasn't so sure about him going into this movie. The original is underrated enough, it didn't need a bad remake to further bury it into obscurity. Well, I'm happy to say that this is an EXCELLENT movie and everything that a remake should be. Taking the original concept and putting a new twist on it, the entire movie is shown from a first-person perspective. Instead of just hearing his thoughts, you're actually in his shoes this time. Elijah Wood plays Frank, a guy that restores mannequins and occasionally moonlights as a serial killer. Following the same M.O. as the original, he scalps his victims then staples it to a mannequin when he gets home. He meets a photographer named Anna who is interested in working with his mannequins, so they collaborate on a project together. With all the time they're spending together, he really starts to fall for her. But will his homicidal tendencies ruin his chance at a real relationship?


This remake is actually a really faithful adaptation of the original. Sometimes remakes will make small references to the source material but will completely overhaul the story. I liked that this stuck close to the original story but still updated it. From the killer's perspective, we watch as he stalks women and kills them. We see the mannequins in his room come to life and talk to him. We do more than observe as a bystander, we ARE the killer in this movie. Not until the very end do we see an outside perspective.

This movie makes you feel like a creeper...

Nudity: We get a couple shots of topless women. There are also a couple scenes where people are having sex but nothing explicitly shown.


Gore: I'm pretty sure everyone knows what to expect here. Although this isn't an all-out gorefest, it shows him violently murdering people (usually by stabbing with a BFK), then scalping the women that he likes. Pretty graphic stuff, 5 out of 5 stars.


Awesome: to the MAX!!! There's always an uproar when a remake or reboot is announced but this is definitely one of the good ones. There are subtle details in this movie that really make it great, like him constantly having to spray the flies buzzing around the rotting scalps. Also, how his knuckles are raw from scrubbing with steel wool. What that says about his personality, even though he murders people and sleeps with rotting pieces of flesh. This is an all around fantastic horror movie and will be an excellent crowd pleaser at a Halloween party.


↧

The Collection (2012)

October 13, 2013, 10:00 am
$
0
0


The Collection (USA, 2003) - Color, Director(s): Marcus Dunstan
MPAA Rating: R
[UK: 18]
Approx. 82 min.

Z-rating: 4 stars out of 5

Cheese Factor: 1 stars out of 5


This movie is a sequel to The Collector, which is about a burglar (Josh Stewart) who happens to break into the same house where a serial killer is also setting up Saw-like traps for the people living there. These traps are like "tests" so he can pick a victim he wants to collect. What made the first movie so interesting was the killer being completely unaware of the burglar, so he could sneak around and try to help the family escape. This made for a really suspenseful movie that also delivered on the gore and creative trap-kills. The first film ended in a bit of a cliffhanger where [*SPOILER ALERT*] the burglar, Arkin, is pushed into a box and presumably "collected".


The second movie starts with a new girl (Emma Fitzpatrick) who ends up at a club where the killer has traps set up and is stalking the crowd. She inadvertently frees Arkin (the burglar from the first movie) from a box in one of the rooms, setting the traps into motion. Everyone is killed except for the girl, who gets taken by the killer, but Arkin manages to escape. At the hospital, Arkin is approached by a man who was hired by the girl's father to rescue her and kill The Collector. Since Arkin is the only person to see the killer's hideout and escape alive, he leads a group of mercenaries in to retrieve the girl. Only now, they're in the killer's house...


Everything in this sequel has been kicked up a notch. The traps are bigger, the environment is creepier, and even The Collector is more of a bad ass. In the first movie, he just wandered around to make sure that his traps were working. This time around, the guy is like The Dark Knight of serial killers!! If you mixed equal parts Jigsaw from Saw with the scientist from The Human Centipede and blended together with a little Batman for flavor, you'd get The Collector. Not only is he a master of setting up elaborate deathtraps, the guy can swoop down and open up a can of whoop ass if need be. In the first movie, he had throwing knives so I guess that should've tipped me off? He trades in his throwing knives for what looks to be two Buck knives in this movie. The guy is a beast! I like that he isn't your average lumbering slasher movie villain.


Nudity: There's a flash of nudity at the beginning of the movie, during the club scene, and then again at The Collector's hideout. The nudity at the hideout is not very appealing though, they're more like his "specimens" on display.


Gore: Much like Saw, the gore is a result of someone setting off a trap. The deaths can be pretty brutal but are all very creative. People are chopped up, crushed to death, stabbed, mutilated, throats are slit, fingers are cut off. Tons of bloody good fun!


Awesome: Very! If you enjoyed the original, or liked the Saw franchise, check this one out! This movie trades in the suspense from the first film for action but this movie is exciting as hell. As the title implies, we're in the killer's house now and we get to see his "collection." This is why I liked the first remake of Texas Chainsaw Massacre so much, I love it when you get to see the inside of a house of horrors. The place is littered with traps, mutilated corpses, and strange specimens on display. The guy even has his own freak army! The script for the first movie was originally meant to be a prequel to the Saw films, but became its own franchise when the producers weren't interested.

↧

Hatchet III (2013)

October 14, 2013, 10:00 am
$
0
0


Hatchet III (USA, 2013) - Color, Director(s): BJ McDonnell
MPAA Rating: R
Approx. 77 min.

Z-rating: 4 stars out of 5

Cheese Factor: 3 stars out of 5

"I don't believe in ghosts... just Gremlins"

Let me start off by saying that I absolutely LOVED the first Hatchet film. I would say it's got to be one of my favorite slashers ever. I think it really caught me by surprise because I wasn't expecting the special effects to be so good. The first time Victor Crowley appears and tears some guy's head off totally blew my mind! I was really excited for the sequel (pre-ordered it and everything!) but was surprised to find that I didn't like it as much as the first. I'm a big fan of Danielle Harris but it just takes me awhile to get used to seeing her suddenly playing Marybeth when I watch both parts back-to-back. Also the difference in the way they handled the death scenes, for some reason, reminded me of Japanese splatter films. The generic ass stock sound effects they added makes the kills come off super cheesy.


Third time is definitely the charm with this series because this movie totally rocks! They finally found that right mix of comedy without coming off too campy and even improved the make-up. Victor Crowley looks so much more bad ass this time around. In the second one, he looked kind of like a Garbage Pail Kid. This movie picks up right where the second one leaves off. Marybeth is in the middle of opening a fresh can of whoop ass on Victor Crowley and then... walks into a police station holding a gun, completely drenched in blood, and mumbling about people being dead. Amazingly, they don't just shoot her in face the moment she walks through the door and arrests her instead. The police go back to check out her story, only to find Louisiana State SWAT has also been dispatched. Armed with assault rifles and shotguns, both teams prepare for a final showdown with Victor Crowley... 

This guy is my hero!

Nudity: We get a brief shot of Danielle Harris standing in a shower as officers spray her down with a hose, but that's about all we get.

"Take it in the face, you dirty girl!"

Gore: BUCKETS worth! The Hatchet series was aiming to bring back the American slasher genre. Although I still don't think this can top the first movie, the kills definitely feel like a step up from the second film. Of course, no one can be more bad ass than Kane Hodder in the role of Victor Crowley.


Awesome: to the MAX!!! I knew I had to see this movie after I heard that cop saying, "These are somebody's balls... balls are NOT supposed to be hanging from trees!" in the trailer. This movie does not disappoint. If you've seen Gremlins you'll recognize the sheriff. Also, the running gag with actor Parry Shen is pure gold. A character from the first movie even makes a brief, but hilarious, cameo. I love it when movies can tie the stories from previous films in with the current plot (which is why I liked Insidious 2 so much) and this franchise ties up a few loose ends in this movie pretty nicely. Perfect way to complete a trilogy and great slasher that's fun to play at a Halloween party.

↧
↧

Demons 2 (1986)

October 15, 2013, 10:00 am
$
0
0


Demons 2 (Italy, 1986) - Color, Director(s): Lamberto Bava
MPAA Rating: UR
[UK: 15]
Approx. 88 min.

Z-rating: 4 stars out of 5

Cheese Factor: 3 stars out of 5


We're going to kick off Supernatural Horror Week with an oldie but a goodie. I've been meaning to review this movie ever since I reviewed the first one (Dèmoni) which is one of my personal favorites. Both films were written by famed Italian director Dario Argento, when he was taking a break from directing. The first one was about a group of people trapped inside a movie theater where demons started possessing people. These demons are almost like zombies except they don't really eat anyone, they just scratch people to turn them into demons. What I love about these movies are the special effects, they're totally awesome! Claws burst out through their fingernails, fangs push out their human teeth, and they start drooling green ooze during the transformation scenes. Not to mention the totally bad ass soundtrack!


Composer Claudio Simonetti doesn't return for this sequel, so we get a less kick ass score by Simon Boswell but it's still pretty good. The story this time is about kids attending a girl's birthday party at some fancy pants apartment building. When the power goes out, everyone in the building is trapped inside because all the doors are electronic. The birthday girl is watching a program on TV about a group of people exploring the quarantined area where the last demon outbreak occurred. (I always thought they just sealed off that part of the city after the first film but I hear it might be a movie as if the first film never happened). In what has to be one of the the most bizarre and inexplicable scenes ever, a demon comes right through the TV screen Videodrome-style to attack the birthday girl. Why her and not anyone else watching this program? Nothing is ever really explained but soon she starts turning all her friends into demons too. Eventually, they all break out of her apartment and spreads chaos through the entire building. Almost everyone in the building gets turned into demons, including a dog and a child. There's even a little baby demon that bursts out of someone's gut like something from Aliens (although it looks more like something out of Ghoulies or Munchies). 


The effects are still awesome in this one, with the demons looking all greasy and gooey when they turn. This isn't one of those movies that you sit back and analyze logically afterward, you just turn off your brain and let yourself be entertained. I know the demon popping out of the screen is a little hokey, but oddly enough, this story would actually be more relevant today with 3D TVs. This movie was really just ahead of its time! Keep an eye out for a young Asia Argento, who was 10 at this time, making her film debut.


Nudity: None. Not really a huge disappointment though, the demon effects are the real stars of the show here.

"The 3D effects are AMAZING! I can almost feel it."

Gore: There isn't much "gore" in terms of guts being spilled, but the special effects are AWESOME! The claws bursting through fingernails bit is in this movie, this time digging directly into someone's arm, and the fangs pushing out from under their human teeth. The demons look fantastic with their mouth full of razor sharp fangs and dripping with ooze.


Awesome: to the MAX! Something about this movie just screams the 80's to me and I can't stress how much I love it. If you liked 80's monster movies, you'll get a real kick out of this one! This and the first film are excellent double features to play back to back.

↧

Apartment 143 (2011)

October 16, 2013, 10:00 am
$
0
0


Apartment 143 (Spain, 2011) - Color, Director(s): Carles Torrens
MPAA Rating: R
[UK: 15]
Approx. 80 min.

Z-rating: 3 stars out of 5

Cheese Factor: 2 stars out of 5


This found footage horror movie is in the same vein as the Paranormal Activity franchise and reminds me a lot of the fourth film in particular. A group of paranormal investigators are invited to an apartment where a family has been experiencing "strange occurrences". What sets this movie apart from the Paranormal franchise though is that you aren't forced to sit through somebody's home movies for 20-30 minutes before a pan falls in the kitchen by itself. The characters are introduced within the first 2 minutes of the film and by the 10 minute mark, we've already had our first paranormal occurrence. Another thing that I really like about this movie is that they are professional paranormal investigators with the proper knowledge and equipment to document what is happening in the apartment. Unlike Paranormal Activity, where an amateur home video artist ghetto-rigged his camera onto an oscillating fan with duct tape, so he could get it to pan left and right. These guys actually knew what they were doing!

Filming little girls in bed, apparently...

All that we're told is that a single father (widower, I guess?) has moved to this apartment with his two kids after the death of the mother. We can easily see that the father's relationship with the daughter is broken and it's implied that the father may have done something to have caused these strange occurrences. The daughter is a bit shut off from the outsiders (teenagers!) but her little brother is much more outgoing, even following the investigators around as they take pictures and set up their equipment. (I love that the female investigator makes a Zelda reference when explaining things to the little boy!)

"I'll swallow your soul!"

Although we eventually see that she's just a victim in this situation, the daughter goes into full-on possessed mode and implies that the father has done something to her directly. The truth unfolds as the movie continues, so it's interesting to piece together clues to what's actually happening in this apartment. The daughter, played by Gia Mantegna, is kind of a bitch the first time we see her. Interesting tidbit, she's the daughter of Joe Mantegna who was filming The Godfather Part III when she was born. He's also in the Criminal Minds television series.

This is my "bitch" face

Nudity: None. Although, this is what reminded me the most of Paranormal Activity 4, the scenes where we're watching the daughter sleep are kind of creepy and not in a good way. Even though Gia Mantegna was around 21 when filming this movie, you can't help but feel like a total creeper when watching her through cameras and stuff.

What exactly are we looking at here?

Gore: None. I think people get scratches from being tossed around the room but no one is actually killed. This movie goes more for atmosphere than splatter effects. Didn't the girl from Paranormal 4 do this same pose?

I think this is called the "Upward Bow", right?

Awesome: Pretty awesome! This movie doesn't get many positive reviews, saying that it's clichéd and derivative of the Paranormal franchise. I actually enjoyed this one more than the Paranormal movies. I liked that they didn't waste any of our time by showing us a bunch of home movies crap at the beginning and I really like that they have a team of professional investigators "documenting" this. These kinds of movies are always more interesting when there's an actual explanation for what's going on. That's why Ghostbusters was so awesome! Also, they eventually had to bring in a professional in Poltergeist because no one in the family could explain what was happening. If you're in the mood for something like Paranormal Activity (but better!) check this one out for your Halloween party!


↧
Search

Apartment 1303 [Double Review]

October 17, 2013, 10:00 am
$
0
0


Apartment 1303 (Japan, 2007) - Color, Director(s): Ataru Oikawa
MPAA Rating: NR
[UK: 15]
Approx. 94 min.

Z-rating: 3.5 stars out of 5

Cheese Factor: 2 stars out of 5


I've been meaning to review this one for awhile now. I heard they were going to remake this so I wanted to get my review of the original out before the remake. I never got around to it but they've already released the remake, so now I'm going to do a double review and compare the two movies side by side. I'm starting with the original Japanese version because that was obviously the superior version.


Supposedly based on a novel by horror author Kei Oishi, who also wrote the Ju-on novels that The Grudge movies were based on. I say "supposedly" only because I can't actually find any information on the book itself. The movie opens with a girl, who recently moved into the apartment, mysteriously falling to her death. We are introduced to Sayaka shortly afterward, who moves in and is celebrating with a group of her friends. They sit around telling scary stories when one of them goes looking for her dog and smells something strange in one of the rooms. Sayaka investigates then wanders out of the room in a daze. She starts acting strange, eating dog food, and puts on a helmet. When her friends are momentarily distracted, she jumps off the balcony to her death. Her sister, Mariko, decides to stay in the apartment while moving Sayaka's things out. A detective notices a link between Sayaka and the previous girls who have committed "suicide" in the apartment. As Mariko digs deeper to find the truth of what happened to her sister, she's haunted by the spirits that still inhabit the apartment.

"And this dead girl came with the apartment, YEAH!"

Nudity: None.


Gore: There's blood from girls who fall to their death but it's not as if we see anyone splatter when they hit the pavement.


Awesome: Decent. I know some people are tired of Asian horror movies about girls with long hair but the fact is, they're still pretty damn creepy. I've laughed at this movie before for its bad effects when the girls are "falling" to their death because they took me out of the moment when watching this movie. The effects aren't much better after repeated viewings but the story is actually pretty deep. A girl is tormented by her mentally ill mother until she can no longer stand it and stabs her to death. She hides her corpse in the closet for months before finally committing suicide herself by jumping off the balcony. As a vengeful spirit, she's able to force people over the edge of the balcony.



Overall, I consider it to be a pretty decent J-Horror movie. Veterans of the genre might feel like they've seen it all before but my appreciation of this movie has grown at least tenfold after watching the atrocity that was the American remake. Now, I know that people complaining about American remakes to Asian horror films is also nothing new but this was particularly bad. Here's a side-by-side comparison of both movies:


First of all, why did we even remake this movie? Of ALL the movies we could've picked, why this one? Most buildings here in America don't even have a 13th floor, we just call it the 14th floor. That's why 1408 actually made a hell of a lot more sense! (plus, all the numbers added up to 13)


The story pretty much has all the same elements as the original, except it seems like it was translated by a 6th grader. The script is re-written in the most superficial manner you can imagine. A girl named Janet just recently moves out and finds herself an apartment. During her first night there, she's spooked by the strange sounds that she hears in her apartment. The superintendent tries to force his way into her apartment and asks her to show him her tits. In the original movie, anything sexual was only very subtly implied.


That's literally the ONLY line in the entire movie that implies the landlord might've been a pervert. In this movie, the guy is a total creep that most people would've called the police on immediately. (Which the girl doesn't do at all)


I don't understand why it was necessary to emphasize what a pervert he is in this remake. This isn't the only instance he appears either, he's lurking outside her door later as she's making love with her boyfriend.

This guy, the poor man's Colin Farrell

Speaking of her boyfriend, she does eventually call him and asks him to come over. The asshole just turns her down, giving her a bunch of crap for calling and then saying that he's too busy. As a matter of fact, everyone in this movie is rude as hell to this girl who just moved into a new apartment and is scared out of her mind. She mentions to a co-worker that weird things are happening in her apartment but her co-worker completely ignores everything she says. Instead assumes that she was beaten by her boyfriend even though she denies he had anything to do with it. (Cause friends do that, right?)

"Whoops! Guess she was serious..."

When Janet dies, the ghost girl literally has to drag her out to the balcony. There's no tension or suspense whatsoever as she's being dragged out, so it's difficult to care about her dying. In the original, the girl was having a party with her friends. They were telling ghost stories to set the mood and the girl even says something creepy about not wanting her face to get smashed up before she jumps. The scene is pretty shocking.


After she dies, her sister Lara (Mischa Barton) moves into her apartment. The dialogue between Lara and the detective who explains Janet wasn't the first to die in the apartment is absolutely painful to watch, there were no emotions expressed during their conversation. The acting in this movie is almost non-existent. I swear someone just started rolling the cameras while everyone was rehearsing their lines then edited it together and said they were done. Almost everyone in the movie speaks in a completely monotone voice. The only person that does any kind of acting is Rebecca De Mornay.


This movie can't even seem to make up its mind on whether the people are able to see the ghosts or not. Janet shows up and tries to drown her sister while she's trying to take a bath. Why?? Nothing that happens in the movie makes any sense! The plot is so convoluted and stupid! The ghost girl doesn't even look scary, she looks like a clown. 


Here's the girl from the original Japanese film:


Tell me that's not infinitely creepier. The bulk of the original story is focused on how the mother was going insane and abused her daughter to the point where she kills her. They illustrated the depths of the mother's insanity by showing how filthy the apartment became and how she scribbled "DIE" all over the walls while gnawing on a water bottle until her gums were raw and bleeding.


They don't even show what happened to the mother and daughter that lived in the apartment in the remake. They just mention it in a passing statement. The ending was a bit different from the Japanese version but that's not necessarily a bad thing. This is literally one of the worst, if not THE worst, movies I have ever seen and I highly recommend staying away from it. This movie lacks any creepy elements, has the worst acting, and a completely superficial story. There is absolutely nothing redeemable about this movie. If you were considering possibly renting this for Halloween, rent the original instead, it's a MUCH better movie!
↧

Lords of Salem (2012)

October 18, 2013, 10:00 am
$
0
0


Lords of Salem (USA, 2012) - Color, Director(s): Rob Zombie
MPAA Rating: R
[UK: 18]
Approx. 101 min.

Z-rating: 4 stars out of 5

Cheese Factor: 1 stars out of 5


I've always been a fan of Rob Zombie's music and his movies. I know they're not for everyone but I also know the guy is a HUGE fan of classic horror movies. So whether you like him or not, you can't deny that he does what he does with a passion. The guy's just got his own unique vision and that might not be for everybody. I know some people are tired of seeing her but I'm also a fan of Sheri Moon Zombie, she's still smokin' hot if you ask me!


This is NOT your traditional horror movie. Zombie does what he does best in this one and that's creating disturbing imagery. As the title suggests, the story involves the Salem witch trials and the women who were burned at the stake. We cut to modern day Salem where a DJ named Heidi (Sheri Moon) is one-third of a radio team down at hard rock station, WIQZ. (Alongside genre favorite, Ken Foree!)  One day, a mysterious box containing a record by a band known as "The Lords" suddenly appears at the receptionist table addressed to Heidi. When she tries to listen to it, she gets strange visions of a coven of witches who are damning a newborn baby. The next day, during an interview with an expert on the Salem witch trials, they play the record (by the band now dubbed "The Lords of Salem") which seems to put some of the female listeners into a trance. Heidi also gets headaches and mysterious vision whenever she listens it. As each day passes, Heidi's visions get worse and she is plagued by horrible nightmares. Could she be going insane or are there darker forces at work here?


Not a very complicated plot, but one that allows Zombie to bombard us with dark and disturbing imagery. I wouldn't say that this movie is "scary" necessarily, but you do get this lingering sense of grim hopelessness like there really is something sinister lurking in the shadows. The movie is more unsettling than it is outright terrifying.


Nudity: We get to see Sheri Moon sleep fully nude but belly down on the bed within minutes of the movie starting. (On her wall is the iconic scene from the 1902 French silent film, La Voyage Dans Le Lune a.k.a. The Trip to the Moon) She really is beautiful, and Zombie is a lucky man, but I can't say that I'm diggin' her dreads. The record by the "The Lords of Salem" also put women into a trance where they strip off their clothes. 


Gore: Surprisingly, this is probably the least gory of any Rob Zombie film. That's not to say there isn't some blood shown here and there. Also, a man is beaten to death with a frying pan. Although this movie is definitely more disturbing than it is gory.


Awesome: Very. Rob Zombie had complete creative control during the making of this film, which is perfect for this type of movie. Though this movie might not appeal to everyone, I suggest watching it first before playing it for a crowd unless you're sure they're going to love it. The plot deals heavily with Satanic worship and ritual sacrifice, so it may not be appropriate for all audiences. Although if this is your kind of thing, there's a disturbing ritual at the end that has to be seen to be believed! Highly recommended for hardcore horror fans.


↧
↧

Mr. Vampire (1985)

October 19, 2013, 10:00 am
$
0
0


Mr. Vampire (Hong Kong, 1985) - Color, Director(s): Ricky Lau
MPAA Rating: PG-13
[UK: 15]
Approx. 96 min.

Z-rating: 5 stars out of 5

Cheese Factor: 4 stars out of 5


I've talked about this movie enough on this blog, it was about time this got a formal review. Not only is this the granddaddy of all Chinese hopping vampire movies, I'm pretty sure this is the movie that got me into horror movies as a kid. Seeing as the movie is filled with comedy and kung fu action, it was the best way to ease a child into the horror genre.


This movie stars Lam Ching Ying (THE go to vampire hunter in these films), comparable to Peter Cushing in the role of Van Helsing in Hammer films. Accompanied by two bumbling apprentices, the trio forms a team of ghost/vampire hunters that use Taoist magic to fight evil. Referred to as Uncle Nine, Lam Ching Ying's character is advising a wealthy business owner on the exhumation and reburial of his father's corpse. Uncle Nine immediately recognizes that there is something wrong with the corpse and suggests they cremate it. The rich Mr. Yam disagreed, as his father hated fire, so Uncle Nine suggest bringing him back to his mortuary until he can find a different burial plot for the corpse. The explanation given was that granddaddy Yam had forcefully acquired the lucky burial plot from a fortune teller, therefore the fortune teller purposely gave the family bad instructions for the method of burial for granddaddy Yam's corpse.

Granddaddy Yam

Back at the mortuary, the apprentices comment that the corpse hasn't decayed even after being buried for 20 years. When they open the coffin to take a look, they notice it's actually fattened up since they exhumed it! So Uncle Nine immediately figures out a way to trap the corpse until he can figure out what to do with it. [Warning: At this point, he cuts the throat of a chicken and mixes its blood with ink to seal the corpse inside its coffin] Of course, the two bumbling apprentices forget to completely cover the coffin, which allows the corpse to escape once it has reanimated as a vampire. What I find most interesting about these movies are the methods they use to fight these vampires. Sticky rice can be used to fight the vampire toxin, yellow paper talisman can be used to immobilize the vampire, and wooden swords (much like wooden stakes) are most effective against them. These methods and more can be found in my Guide to Surviving Chinese Hopping Vampires

Granddaddy Yam is awake!

After granddaddy Yam breaks out of the coffin, he immediately goes after his son. After the attack on the younger Mr. Yam, there are now two vampires on the loose! To make matters worse, one of Uncle Nine's apprentices also contracts the vampire disease from granddaddy Yam while the other is being haunted by a female ghost. This isn't the first movie to feature the Chinese version of vampires that hop around but this is definitely the most well-known. This movie popularized an entire sub-genre of Hong Kong horror movies that featured stiff corpses and the monobrowed priests in yellow robes that fought them.


Nudity: None. Even though a ghost lady does ask a random guy to "molest" her, but that was part of a bigger plot to gain the attention of one of the apprentices.


Gore: Aside from a bodies of a couple people who were attacked by the vampire, there's the animal violence that I'm pretty sure is real.


Awesome: to the MAX!!! As I said earlier, this is probably the movie that first got me into the horror genre. Even ignoring that fact, this has to be one of my favorite movies of all time! There's a bunch of laughs (some of which may be lost in translation) along with a good amount of Chinese mysticism and folklore. Add a ton of kung fu action and you've got yourself a potent cocktail that will make for a great night of entertainment.



↧

Carved: The Slit-Mouthed Woman (2007)

October 20, 2013, 10:00 am
$
0
0


Carved: The Slit-Mouthed Woman (Japan, 2007) - Color, Director(s): Kôji Shiraishi
MPAA Rating: NR
[Japan: PG-12]
Approx. 90 min.

Z-rating: 4 stars out of 5

Cheese Factor: 1 stars out of 5


As it says on the poster, this movie is based on a Japanese urban legend about a slit-mouthed woman. According to the original urban legend, she was mutilated by her husband in a fit of jealous rage. Kuchisake-onna (The Slit-Mouthed Woman) is a spirit with long black hair who wanders around Japan on foggy nights wearing a surgical mask, asking anyone she encounters, "Am I pretty?" If you were to answer "No" she would stab you to death. If you answered "Yes" she would remove her mask, revealing that her mouth was slit from ear to ear and would ask, "How about now?" If you answered "No" to the second question, she would cut you in half. If you answered "Yes" to the second question, she would cut your face up like hers. If you tried to run away, she would reappear in front of you with superhuman speed. The only chance to surviving the encounter was to tell her "You're average" after her second question, which was supposed to confuse her long enough for you to escape. Another rumor was that you could say "Pomade" 3-6 times and she would leave you alone.


The legend started spreading during the late 1970s and caused such a major panic in different Japanese towns that some schools only allowed children to go home in groups while accompanied by teachers. Even the police took this seriously, increasing patrols in areas where the mysterious woman wearing a trench coat and surgical mask was supposedly spotted. In 1978, a serial killer reportedly left 13 dead and another 52 victims injured, most of which were children. This movie is a fantastic re-telling of that urban legend, giving her the power to possess different people so you couldn't kill her. In the movie, her weapon were a pair of shears (heavy duty scissors) where the urban legend would vary between scissors or a knife. Anyone who grew up in an Asian household, with a mom that sewed or cut fabric with these enormous scissors, can tell you exactly how dangerous these can be!

They were basically two razor sharp daggers attached together!

Nudity: None.


Gore: There's some blood but a lot of these Asian horror movies don't show guts being spilled. Although we do get to see the woman's mouth slit, which is pretty nasty.


Awesome: to the MAX! I didn't know the entire legend behind Kuchisake-onna but I've actually heard The Slit-Mouthed Woman mentioned a couple different times in various Japanese films and media. This is a really interesting movie now that I know some of the history behind this urban legend. Every culture in the world has its own urban legends/myths from Bloody Mary and Lycanthrope to Wendigos, Aswang, and La Llorona. This one was particularly interesting to me because it caused such a panic as recently as the 1970's. Makes you wonder about the sightings and alleged victims of this story. Perhaps, not so much just a myth after all?

↧

Sleepy Hollow (1999)

October 21, 2013, 12:00 pm
$
0
0


Sleepy Hollow (USA, 1999) - Color, Director(s): Tim Burton
MPAA Rating: R
[UK: 15]
Approx. 105 min.

Z-rating: 4 stars out of 5

Cheese Factor: 2 stars out of 5


Since we're on the subject of urban legends, here is a story that is extremely popular in America folklore. Written by Washington Irving, The Legend of Sleepy Hollow was first published in 1820 and told of a Hessian Horseman who had his head shot off by a cannon during a battle in the American Revolutionary War. His ghost rides around at night lopping off heads to replace the one that he lost. A schoolmaster named Ichabod Crane, biding for the affections of a wealthy farmer's daughter, encounters the Headless Horseman in the woods one night. Crane desperately races towards a bridge, where the Horseman is said to vanish in a "flash of fire and brimstone" if he crosses it. Much to Ichabod's horror, the Horseman crosses it with no trouble and hurls a severed head into his face. The next morning, Ichabod has disappeared from the town leaving behind a few items including his wandering horse and a shattered pumpkin.


This story is so popular that it has spawned countless adaptations in films and TV shows, even Scooby Doo had an episode adapted from this story! There are also many books and re-tellings of this story for children of all ages. This movie is just one of many but with all the stars involved, this is one of the better versions. Christopher Walken is one of the scariest men to ever walk the Earth and to have him appear as a piranha-toothed lunatic in a head chopping frenzy was pure genius. Johnny Depp plays Ichabod Crane, a forensic detective in this version, who is sent to Sleepy Hollow to investigate decapitation murders. Only after he arrives, is he informed of the supernatural Horseman that haunts Sleepy Hollow. Still believing the Horseman to be a flesh and blood killer, Crane attempts to use his deductive reasoning to find the truth behind the murders. That is until he has an up close and personal run in with the Headless Horseman himself.


Nudity: None that I can remember.


Gore: Many heads are decapitated although we don't see any gushing blood, the open neck wounds can be pretty gruesome. The wounds caused by the Horseman are cauterized by his blade, heated by the fires of Hell. There is a Tree of the Dead that bleeds as it's being chopped by Johnny Depp.


Awesome: Very. This is a great adaptation of the story with a unique Tim Burton twist to it. Burton's influence for this movie came from his love of Hammer films, as seen in casting of Hammer veteran Michael Gough. Even Christopher Lee makes an appearance at the beginning of the film! Overall, the tone of the film is pretty "serious" but the scene with the witch and her googly Roger Rabbit eyes seemed out of place. I think this is a great film to play at a Halloween party if you're looking for a little action with some supernatural flavor.

↧
Viewing all 152 articles
Browse latest View live
Search